if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize