So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
