i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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