What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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