I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
