Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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