I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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