he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
