he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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