somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
