i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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