what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
