Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
