Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
