My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
