Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
