I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
