I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
