Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
