escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
