Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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