Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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