Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize