I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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