just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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