Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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