The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
