my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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