My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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