I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
