nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize