I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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