my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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