I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
