my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
