I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
