I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
