i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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