I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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