I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
