my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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