Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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