My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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