i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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