Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
