There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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