genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Less talking, more tequila
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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