Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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