If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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