I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
