Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
