i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
