i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
