She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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