Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
