you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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