He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
