i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
