I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
