You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
