So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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