tonight lets celebrate not being married
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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