I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
