i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize