Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
