Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
