just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
someone owes me an orgasm
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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