I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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