Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
