my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
